What is a committed relationship?
Commitment a willingness to give your time, energy and effort to make the relationship work. This might include spending quality time together, creating opportunities for emotional and physical intimacy and of course fidelity. There is also a commitment to making your partner happy, by fulfilling their needs. Although this is sometimes in competition with making yourself happy and your partner fulfilling your needs.
100 % commitment is unrealistic
Probably you are somewhere between 1 % and 99 % committed. If you were 0% committed, you would not be looking for relationship advice and counselling and may have left the relationship already. Equally, if you were a 100% committed, you would not be looking for relationship advice and counselling because you would be so happy that there would be no need for advice and counselling. You might be 100% committed to making the relationship work, but probably only if some changes occur, or if your partners stops complaining. Most people looking for relationship advice have mixed feelings about their relationship: on the one hand there is love, a shared history and joint achievements, but on the other hand there is also dissatisfaction, hurt and doubt. Relationship counselling often starts by assessing the relative commitment of each partner to the relationship and identifies the biggest roadblocks to being committed.
Commitment to process or outcome?
The commitment is then to a process of overcoming the roadblocks, not to a specific outcome. Sometimes one or both partners come to the conclusion that the hurt is too deep, or the differences are too big to stay together. But most couples find that they are committed to making their relationship work, but don’t quite know to overcome their problems. In these situations a relationship counsellor can help to develop new relationship skills and provide positive corrective experiences of connection.
Test your commitment
Relationship Commitment Survey
Please indicate the degree to which you agree with each of the following statements regarding your current relationship, using this scale:
1. I want our relationship to last a very long time.
| 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |
| Do Not Agree At All | Agree Somewhat | Agree Completely |
2. I am committed to maintaining my relationship with my partner.
| 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |
| Do Not Agree At All | Agree Somewhat | Agree Completely |
3. I would NOT feel very upset if our relationship were to end in the near future.
| 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |
| Do Not Agree At All | Agree Somewhat | Agree Completely |
4. It is likely that I will date someone other than my partner within the next year.
| 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |
| Do Not Agree At All | Agree Somewhat | Agree Completely |
5. I feel very attached to our relationship – very strongly linked to my partner.
| 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |
| Do Not Agree At All | Agree Somewhat | Agree Completely |
6. I want our relationship to last forever.
| 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |
| Do Not Agree At All | Agree Somewhat | Agree Completely |
7. I am oriented toward the long-term future of my relationship (for example, I imagine being with my partner several years from now).
| 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |
| Do Not Agree At All | Agree Somewhat | Agree Completely |
Scoring
Question 3 and 4 are reverse scored:
8 is scored as 0
7 is scored as 1
…
0 is scored as 8
Add up your score: _____
Results
0 You have the perfect relationship, and/or the perfect partner, being very much in love and free of doubt.
1-18 Some doubts about the relationship are normal, as nobody is perfect. Despite a little doubt you are committed to your relationship. Address the issues that bother you with your partner.
19-36 You have some serious doubts about your relationship. Don’t let it fester and take some action with your partner. Work through a self-help book together or get advice from a relationship counsellor before it is too late
37-56 Your relationship is in acute danger and the negative seems to outweigh the positive. Perhaps you have already decided to leave, but something is holding you back. It may be your partner’s behaviour, or your own perception of them — or both. If it’s not too late and you want to save the relationship get some professional help asap.
Disclaimer: these numbers are somewhat arbitrary and do not paint a complete picture of your relationship. They give a general indication only and do not consider individual circumstances.
The best gift you can give to a newly engaged couple-send them to marriage counselling. Some Churches make this mandatory. All of the above mentioned can help to learn what your partner is expecting, your expectations, how to handle important issues, if you are compatible or if the marriage is not ideal.
I agree. Too many couples get married, or have children with little understanding what is required to make the relationship work. Marriage education can teach a lot of, but not all, relationship tools. Such as emotional self-regulation, being there for each other when the other one needs you, effective conflict resolution, etc.
My first relationship counselling job was at Centacare, where all couples that wanted to get married in the Catholic church were sent for marriage education. This type of education has shown to reduce the rate of divorce. Perhaps it should be recommended for every couple getting married.